


Pelican Town's Group Chat

by ShippingMyWorld



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Memes, how many tumblr memes can i fit into one sentence, implied vegetable fucking, my other story was too ansty so i wrote this as self-therapy, the chatfic that no one asked for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-01-28 18:30:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12612744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingMyWorld/pseuds/ShippingMyWorld
Summary: Who will win, rational discussion or the meme team?Your basic chatfic





	1. Help Wanted

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573) by [ArcaneAdagio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio). 



**[FARM LIFE] opened [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

**[FARM LIFE] added [ALEX], [ABIGAIL], [ELLIOT], [EMILY], [HARVEY], [HALEY], [LEAH], [MARU], [PENNY], [SAM], [SEBASTIAN], and [SHANE] to [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

 

SAM: oh no

ABIGAIL: Group chat!

MARU: I am not suffering through another one of these things.

SHANE: nope

**[SHANE] has left [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

**[MARU] has left [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

 

FARM LIFE: ???

FARM LIFE: What happened. 

HALEY: Save yourself, sweet summer child

FARM LIFE: ????????

HARVEY: I also have no idea what’s going on. 

SEBASTIAN: well

SEBASTIAN: a few years ago we tried this

SEBASTIAN: but…

ABIGAIL: #RESURGENCE

SEBASTIAN: abby got a little overexcited

ABIGAIL: (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

ABIGAIL: （*＾3＾）/～♡

ABIGAIL: Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

HALEY: We all left it because she single-handedly drowned the chat in emojis and hashtags

EMILY: I still seem them when I close my eyes at night. 

ELLIOT: Her disregard for proper grammar is already appalling as it is.

ELLIOT: I can not even fathom what it used to be like. 

EMILY: I was rather frightening, to be honest.

ABIGAIL: #NOREGRET

ABIGAIL: ヽ(⌐■_■)ノ♪♬

ABIGAIL: ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

PENNY: To be fair we all encouraged the group chat at first.

PENNY: Do you remember the Cryptid Linus Challenge? 

SEBASTIAN: the CLC was a dark time

SAM: wow, that brings back memories

HALEY: How could I forget

HALEY: My phone was literally flooded with low-quality jpegs of a yellow motion blur on a daily basis

LEAH: I’m afraid to ask, but what was the Cryptid Linus Challenge? 

ALEX: Well…

ALEX: To put it simply…

SEBASTIAN: we harassed the fuck out of linus

ALEX: Yeah

ALEX: That

FARM LIFE: What did you do to that poor man???

SAM: we thought he was weird and mysterious

SAM: i mean,  he always ran away from us

EMILY: In his defense, our parents threatened him when he first approached us. 

SAM: so we decided to try and photograph him

SAM: since none of us had actually seen his face before

HALEY: Alex and I came pretty close

HALEY: We used one of my mom's pies to lure him out of the woods

ALEX: Yeah, but our elaborate string and box trap had a fatal flaw

EMILY: Wasn’t the box too small?

ALEX: No, it was plenty big

HALEY: We didn’t consider that once he was inside the box we couldn’t photograph him

ALEX: And once he was trapped he didn’t take the box off for like a week

ALEX: Just kinda ran around the mountain with it covering his body

SEBASTIAN: THAT WAS LINUS?

SEBASTIAN: I HAD NIGHTMARES

ABIGAIL: #lmao

ABIGAIL: #solidlinus

SEBASTIAN: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE TERROR OF SEEING A BOX FLY AROUND YOUR BACKYARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

ABIGAIL: #hauntedbyabox

ELLIOT: So how did one win the Cryptid Linus Challenge?

PENNY: I don’t think there really was a guideline for who won.

SAM: abby was probs the closest

HALEY: Until she got us all grounded

FARM LIFE: ???

ABIGAIL: apparently trying to smoke a out a cryptid with actual smoke and fire is considered

ABIGAIL: “wrong” and “dangerous” 

ABIGAIL: and “you could have burned down the whole town” 

ABIGAIL: #unjustlygrounded

FARM LIFE: Yoba fucking christ you were all horrible children. 

ABIGAIL: ヾ(･ω･)┌┛三三三

ELLIOT: I am not even sure what that is supposed to be. 

FARM LIFE: but you gotta admit it’s kinda impressive

FARM LIFE: there’s no way i could type those up so quickly. 

ABIGAIL: there’s an app for that

ABIGAIL: hey farmer, look!

ABIGAIL: ( ఠൠఠ )

ABIGAIL: its a cow!

FARM LIFE: …

FARM LIFE: can you send me that app?

PENNY: It is kinda cute.

ALEX: You know i’m surprised

ALEX:  I never expected you of all people, farm boy, to know how to set something like this up

ALEX: Aren’t you supposed to only know how to dig holes and plant seeds?

ABIGAIL: #phrasing

FARM LIFE: are you stereotyping me Alex?

FARM LIFE: what did you think I did all day when I worked for joja?

FARM LIFE: my job?

ABIGAIL: #lmao

ABIGAIL: #goals

SAM: you know she’s gonna start saying the word ‘hashtag’ irl 

SAM: again

ELLIOT: If my grasp on the English language starts to slip, I am holding you responsible.

FARM LIFE: i fail to see how that’s my fault. 

FARM LIFE: anyways, we’re getting off subject. 

FARM LIFE: i set this up for a reason.

**[FARM LIFE] added [SHANE] and [MARU] to [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

SHANE: no

**[SHANE] has left [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

FARM LIFE: WAIT DON’T LEAVE

FARM LIFE: SHIT

**[FARM LIFE] added [SHANE] to [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]**

FARM LIFE: GIVE ME A MINUTE

FARM LIFE: I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

MARU: I’ll stay but only if Abby keeps her mouth shut.

ABIGAIL: #rude

EMILY: But no one’s actually talking? 

ABIGAIL: #rekt

MARU: You know what I mean. 

MARU: And Abigail. You know I love you.

MARU: But for the sake of our friendship continuing I need you to stop typing. 

SHANE: just block her

SHANE: its in settings

MARU: You can do that?

LEAH: You can do that?

ELLIOT: You can do that? 

SEBASTIAN: You can do that? 

ABIGAIL: SEBBY???

ABIGAIL: I’VE BEEN BETRAYED

ABIGAIL: #stabbedintheback

ABIGAIL: ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚

SEBASTIAN: abby i love you

SEBASTIAN: but this is for the sake of our friendship

ABIGAIL: (╯︵╰,)

PENNY: Wait, Shane. If you had her blocked already then why’d you leave so quickly?

SHANE: i’m keeping up appearances

LEAH: What appearances? We all know you’re a softie.

SHANE: you haven’t seen me after too many beers

EMILY: Oh please. You’re a sad drunk and everyone knows it. 

EMILY: I think Abigail still has pictures from the time you crawled into the arms of that taxidermy bear and asked it to comfort you. 

HALEY: I KNOW I DO. 

HALEY:  _ [attached image: shanesshame.png] _

SHANE: kill me

SAM: LMFAO SHANE WTF

LEAH: Is he not wearing a pants?

ABIGAIL: #NAKEDANDAFRAID

PENNY: Well that’s something I never needed to see.

FARM LIFE: CAN WE GET TO MY POINT

SHANE: please

ABIGAIL: at this point i’m just screwing around

SAM: when were you not screwing around? 

**[FARM LIFE] changed channel name to [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

ABIGAIL: #WOW

ABIGAIL: #RUDE

MARU: I agree, that was uncalled for. 

SEBASTIAN: it’s a cold day in hell when those two agree on something

ALEX: I’ve never done anything wrong in my entire life. 

FARM LIFE: I know this, and I love you.

FARM LIFE: its for the rest of these people. 

SAM: what did we do?

ABIGAIL: yeah, why the hate bro? 

FARM LIFE: Oh i don’t know

FARM LIFE: have any of you taken a look at the help wanted board recently? 

LEAH: Oh…

FARM LIFE: YEAH

ELLIOT: What is wrong with the board?

FARM LIFE: Do any of you actually check so see if you can help with requests? 

FARM LIFE: Or do you just grab a tac and add to the endless pile? 

HARVEY: It is getting rather cramped on there.

SAM: well where else am i supposed to get things i need help with

FARM LIFE: Sam, I watched you tac your mother's grocery list to the board and then skateboard away. 

FARM LIFE: The general store was literally two steps to your left. 

PENNY: No wonder Vincent says he’s the favorite. 

SAM: my dad already thinks my music is a disappointment

SAM: why should i try and be any different?

ABIGAIL: ໒( •́ ∧ •̀ )७

ABIGAIL: you’ll always be #1 to me sam

EMILY: What about Sebastian?

ABIGAIL: hes hovering around 6 right about

EMILY: when did he drop?

ABIGAIL: at the same time he drove a knife through my back

SEBASTIAN: i was joking, you know that, right? 

ABIGAIL: never joke about friendships

SEBASTIAN: would it have helped if i added a smiley at the end?

SEBASTIAN: ;p

ABIGAIL: 7 now

FARM LIFE: I’m trying to have a serious discussion here. 

HALEY: You mean you’re just trying to shame us all

FARM LIFE: well maybe you should all learn to take care of yourselves once in awhile. 

EMILY: Every request I’ve ever posted has been legitimate emergencies. 

FARM LIFE: oh really???

ABIGAIL: oh shit

ABIGAIL: hes got receipts

FARM LIFE: YEAH CUS I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER DOES THE REQUESTS. 

FARM LIFE:  _ [attached image: exhibitA.png] _

MARU: That just says she needed rainbow trout for dinner.

EMILY: I wanted it for a special dinner. 

FARM LIFE: It was up for two weeks. 

HALEY: Well maybe if you had caught it sooner

FARM LIFE: IT WAS WINTER. 

FARM LIFE: RAINBOW TROUT IS A SUMMER FISH. 

EMILY: Then what did you give us? 

FARM LIFE: Oh I still gave you rainbow trout. 

HALEY: But you just said you couldn’t catch them in winter. 

FARM LIFE: I didn’t catch it.

FARM LIFE: I walked across the bridge to joja mart and bought a frozen one

FARM LIFE: you know, like normal people

FARM LIFE: also

FARM LIFE:  _ [attached image: [exhibitB](https://78.media.tumblr.com/c8271b283ebce76323f68e8bca9d5a80/tumblr_oswn4ael7o1vf16k0o1_540.jpg).png] _

FARM LIFE: normal people don't post stuff like this

ABIGAIL: (( ;°Д°))

ELLIOT: Oh my. 

SHANE: Please tell me you took that down before Jas saw it. 

LEAH: I’m honestly not surprised. 

HARVEY: Haley...there are much safer alternatives than vegetables. 

HARVEY: As your doctor I strongly recommend you swing by and pick up a pamphlet. 

HALEY: I WAS PRACTICING MY COOKING IN SECRET

ABIGAIL: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ABIGAIL: is that what the kids are calling it these days?

HALEY: I JUST DIDN’T WANT EMILY TO KNOW

ABIGAIL: #PHRASING

ALEX: what’s everyone freaking out about? 

FARM LIFE: innocent spring infant, never change. 

ALEX: ????

FARM LIFE: i’ll tell you later

FARM LIFE: i don’t want to say it in front of Penny

PENNY: I know it sounds like she was gonna masterbate with it. 

FARM LIFE: asd;lgfkjasd

PENNY: I am a full-grown adult and I work with children all day. 

PENNY: I’m not a stranger to crude topics. 

PENNY: Do you know how many times Vincent tried wiping his snot on me as a child?

ABIGAIL: kids are gross

PENNY: And adolescents are worse. 

PENNY: He won’t stop making dick jokes.

SEBASTIAN: that’s probably sams fault

SAM: it probably is

HARVEY: Farmer, why is the board and issue? It’s not like you have to do them.

FARM LIFE: Oh, I don’t have to

FARM LIFE: but Lewis certainly thinks i should

FARM LIFE: he brings it up every time i see him,

FARM LIFE: like some sort of passive-aggressive mom at the pta bake sale.

ALEX: So that’s why he’s always trying to corner you at festivals

SHANE: i noticed that too

SHANE: if i didn’t already know he and my aunt were hooking up

SHANE: i’d have thought he had a thing for you

ABIGAIL: #suggardaddy

ABIGAIL: [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

FARM LIFE: #gross

MARU: Oh shit it’s spreading.

SAM: don’t encourage her

SEBASTIAN: it’ll only validate her bad chat behaviours

ABIGAIL: “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

FARM LIFE: in all seriousness

FARM LIFE: can y’all cool it with the requests

ABIGAIL: y’ain’t getting any sympathy from me

SEBASTIAN: aren’t you overreacting a bit? 

FARM LIFE: am i?

FARM LIFE:   _ [attached image: [exhibitC.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/bb26cb1a29fd6efce344b5e340520a04/tumblr_o45r3ldKJa1v9yf1po1_540.jpg)] _

FARM LIFE:  _ [attached image: [exhibitD.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/cf9b68ba5c28bb02056d9cfea02fe305/tumblr_odjp93CVAx1uuwg1zo1_540.png)] _

FARM LIFE:  _ [attached image: [exhibitE.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/70f032fd54040d5badc60b752f770c11/tumblr_olarnyPzFl1vf16k0o1_540.jpg)] _

FARM LIFE:  _ [attached image: [exhibitF.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/57ba1da4d6e2e4d8bf4133391c822014/tumblr_okvwapTQ3v1vf16k0o1_540.jpg)] _

FARM LIFE: My entire phone is filled with these.

ABIGAIL: (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖

SEBASTIAN: it was for a science experiment? 

FARM LIFE: If you roast a can of Joja Cola, it’ll explode.

FARM LIFE: End of experiment. 

HALEY: Alex!

HALEY: You throw tea parties and you don’t invite me?

ALEX: I swear that wasn’t me

MARU: Emily you work at a restaurant. 

MARU: Red wine will never pair well with Joja Cola

EMILY: science experiment?

ELLIOT: Leah, you asked for a gold bar?

HARVEY: Were you strapped for cash? 

LEAH: It was for an art project. 

LEAH: I wasn’t begging like linus

FARM LIFE: Don’t you dare drag that man's name through the mud

FARM LIFE:  _ [attached image: [exhibitG.png]](https://78.media.tumblr.com/d33190ea99cac9d009858b11acea6dfa/tumblr_okvvkdWo6F1vf16k0o1_540.jpg) _

FARM LIFE: He’s the only pure existence in this village

SEBASTIAN: he wanted flowers, so what?

SEBASTIAN: for all you know he could be cooking it

FARM LIFE: why do you care?

FARM LIFE: he’s homeless!

ABIGAIL: #checkurprivilege 

FARM LIFE: again, lets get back on topic

HALEY: that last one was your fault 

ABIGAIL: yeah, stop airing our dirty laundry

FARM LIFE: I am trying to run a business here.

FARM LIFE: I can’t have all my free time eaten up by taking care of all you. 

FARM LIFE: They’re literally all addressed as “Looking for local farmer to help.” 

ABIGAIL: and?

FARM LIFE: I AM THE ONLY FARMER WITHIN A 50 MILES RADIUS OF PELICAN TOWN.

FARM LIFE: If you need something from me, come and ask me directly. 

ABIGAIL: too much work

FARM LIFE: Or here's a fresh and hip new idea

FARM LIFE: Learn to take care of yourself

SAM: what do you want us to do? 

FARM LIFE: I don’t know, how about get a job?

ABIGAIL: （￣□￣；）

SAM: …

HALEY: No?

ALEX: You guys really shouldn’t take advantage of your parents like that.

HALEY: Like you’re one to be pointing fingers

HALEY: You run the ice cream stand one month of the year

SAM: and don’t you still live with your grandparents?

ALEX: I live with my grandparents because my parents are dead sam

ALEX: I’m an orphan

SHANE: wow sam, what an asshole

SAM: I

ALEX: And i’ll have you know ice cream man is a respectable profession

HALEY: Dusty could do your job Alex

PENNY: Jas and Vincent appreciate him. 

MARU: I’ve noticed The Farmer certainly enjoys it when the stand is open. 

FARM LIFE: don’t you call me out like this

MARU: What, after you started the group chat to call us out?

ABIGAIL: #hypocrite 

ABIGAIL: (⌐■_■)–︻╦╤─

HARVEY: Maru, aren’t you working right now? 

MARU: Yeah, which is why I left the chat in the first place. 

MARU: But to be fair, we don’t have any appointments today.

HARVEY: You could have walk-ins. 

MARU: The only person to ever walk in and buy anything is The Farmer. 

FARM LIFE: That’s because my healthcare plan involves 7up and saltines.

ELLIOT: Same. 

LEAH: Same.

ELLIOT: There are not many agencies that will insure authors who live in huts by the sea.

LEAH: Or artists who live in the woods.

FARM LIFE: or the nut job who dropped a steady paycheck to become a farmer

HARVEY: For the love of Yoba, please get health insurance. 

HARVEY: I don’t want to have to tell anyone they owe me 3000g for a check-up.

EMILY: You’d think there’d be specialty agencies for you guys. 

MARU: Anyways

**[MARU] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

SHANE: can i go now

FARM LIFE: fine, i’ve made my point. 

**[SHANE] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

ABIGAIL: alright

ABIGAIL: now that the squares are gone

ABIGAIL: i would like to propose the CLC2017 revival!

ABIGAIL: (ી(ી(ી(ી( ˆoˆ )ʃ)₎₎⁾⁾ʃ)₎₎ʃ)₎₎⁾⁾ʃ)₎₎

**[LEAH] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

**[ELLIOT] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

**[HARVEY] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

SAM: i dont think its coming back

FARM LIFE: if you touch a single hair on that man’s head

FARM LIFE: you’ll never get another gift from me ever again

ABIGAIL: ｢(ﾟﾍﾟ)

FARM LIFE: but i’ve made my point so i’m gonna leave now

FARM LIFE: i’ve got fields to plow and seeds to plant

ALEX: but i thought we were getting dinner?

FARM LIFE: I know what I said. 

ABIGAIL: #PHRASING

HALEY: I don’t think that works if it’s intentional.

**[FARM LIFE] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

**[ALEX] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

SAM: so i have a question

EMILY: Don’t we all have questions? 

EMILY: Isn’t that what life's about?

SAM: no

SAM: how do i change my name like the farmer did?

EMILY: Oh.

ABIGAIL: its in settings

SEBASTIAN: emily can i come over and get some of whatever you’re on

**[ABIGAIL] changed name to [GAMER QUEEN]**

**[SAM] changed name to [GOKU]**

GAMER QUEEN: #NERDALERT

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Hauntings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made like very little progress with the next chapter of Sleepless Nights, so have another chapter of this disaster instead.

GAMER QUEEN: (ꐦ°᷄д°᷅)

GAMER QUEEN: anyone seen lewis

HALEY: I saw him walk past my house like an hour ago

HALEY: Why

GAMER QUEEN: he was supposed to meet up with my dad an hour ago for business stuff

GAMER QUEEN: and now my dad’s upset and pacing the house

SEBASTIAN: your dad doesn’t pace, he stomps

GOKU: yeah remember the time you didn’t do the dishes during our sleepover?

SEBASTIAN: that was the day i learned to fear your father. he doesn’t get mad, he gets passive aggressive

GAMER QUEEN: yeah and now he’s disturbing my gaming time with his passive aggressive stomping

* * *

 

**[ELLIOTT] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

**[LEAH] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

LEAH: Elliott, please tell everyone else what you told me so I’m not the only one who has to suffer with this knowledge.

ELLIOT: Fun Fact.

ELLIOT: Old timey doctors weren’t always sure people were dead. One of the ways they could check was with a specially designed nipple pincher.

GOKU: excuse me

HALEY: Why do you know about this special nipple clamp

ELLIOT: Well, it’s not a clamp. Looks more like a pair of scissors.

GAMER QUEEN: imagine being the one to invent a specially designed nipple scissors

GAMER QUEEN: ╰༼.◕ヮ◕.༽つ¤=[]————

SEBASTIAN: are you telling me there were people whose job was to pinch nipples to check if someone had actually died?

EMILY: Oh, that would be interesting.

EMILY: Haley, maybe you can get a job at the clinic for that.

HALEY: Yeah no

GOKU: i’m up for it

GOKU: @MARU @HARVEY You guys hiring?

ELLIOT: Other methods of verifying someone had passed on included, but was not limited to: slicing open the soles of the feet; sticking a writing utensil up the nostril; repeated tugging of the tongue.

PENNY: Why do you know all this?

ELLIOT: I’m an author, my dear.

SEBASTIAN: read as serial murderer

ELLIOT: I was doing research for my next novel.

HALEY: And what exactly is your next novel about

ELLIOT: It’s a science-fiction drama set in the 1890’s, with a star-crossed lovers sub-plot.

ELLIOT: An old woman passes away, only to find herself waking up as a ghost. She’s taken in by her brother’s ghost and learns about the afterlife. One day she meets another female ghost and quickly falls in love, but it’s a love that can never be.

ELLIOT: For the afterlife is divided into factions based on how their living bodies were checked by physicians. The two groups fight, unaware of the blossoming love in the ranks. The story is full of death, love, and I tackle many prejudices in our society.

ELLIOT: If anyone would want to beta read it, I’d love feedback.

EMILY: So it’s West Side Story but with Lesbian Ghosts?

GAMER QUEEN: (˵¯̴͒ꇴ¯̴͒˵)

ELLIOT: i

ELLIOT: …

ELLIOT: i must go

**[ELLIOT] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

HALEY: Holy shit sis you killed him

GOKU: he isn’t even use proper punctuation or capitalization this is serious

LEAH: I don’t think we’re gonna see that book anytime soon.

EMILY: Why? I would have loved to read it. It sounds so romantic.

EMILY: Speaking of ghosts, has anyone heard that rumor about the Spa?

GOKU: what rumor

SEBASTIAN: it’s not a rumor because it’s true

LEAH: Then tell me because I haven’t heard it.

SEBASTIAN: a few weeks ago, i wanted to go soak in the hot springs after pulling some overtime for my programing job.

SEBASTIAN: but before i even finished changing, i heard it

SEBASTIAN: the moans and howls of ghosts

HALEY: Elliots story was scarier than that.

SEBASTIAN: but i’m serious!

SEBASTIAN: every sunday night you can hear the cries of the undead

* * *

 

**[HARVEY] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

**[MARU] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

MARU: Why did you summon us back to this hellscape?

GAMER QUEEN: (́ง◉◞౪◟◉‵)ง

MARU: What the everloving fuck is that.

GOKU: scroll up, i asked important questions

HARVEY: I’m afraid we aren't hiring for that position, um, Goku?

MARU: The position hasn't existed since 1898.

GOKU: darn, I’ll just have to continue mooching off my parents

HARVEY: I’m sorry, but who are you?

GOKU: it’s a me, mario!

EMILY: That’s Sam.

HARVEY: And I assume the trigger-happy emoji queen is Abigail?

GAMER QUEEN: ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

* * *

 

**[FARM LIFE] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

FARM LIFE: Has anyone seen Shane? He was supposed to meet me an hour ago to do a check up on my chickens.

GAMER QUEEN: Does Alex know you’re showing your cocks to other men?

FARM LIFE: ヽ(╬☉Д⊙)ﾉ┌┛

GAMER QUEEN: (ﾉ´>ω<)ﾉ

**[SHANE] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

SHANE: @Everyone

SHANE: i need a favor

FARM LIFE: Whoa. And I didn’t even @ you yet.

SHANE: one of you needs to come and put a bullet in my head

SHANE: put me out of my misery

EMILY: Have you been drinking again?

HARVEY: Shane we’ve talked about this.

SHANE: harvey, its a joke.

SHANE: but seriously, i think i need more therapy for this

FARM LIFE: What’s going on? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

SHANE: lewis showed up

FARM LIFE: And?

SHANE: he and my aunt didn’t know i was home

LEAH: Oh my god.

GAMER QUEEN: (∩ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)⊃━☆ﾟ

HALEY: LMAO

SHANE: they’ve been at it for an hour and that’s not even the worse part

MARU: Pray tell, how listening to your aunt and our mayor doing the nasty is not the worst part.

SHANE: they’re in the kitchen

HALEY: Ugh gross

EMILY: That’s not very sanitary.

SHANE: but it gets worse

FARM LIFE: I don’t believe you

SHANE: believe it

GAMER QUEEN: [ break in case of weeb ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3IaNrnthS8)

SHANE: my aunts home has some very poor design choices when it comes to layout

SHANE: namely the window that was put into the wall between my room and the kitchen

GOKU: holy fucking shit

MARU: Mom didn’t design that house, did she?

SEBASTIAN: i dont think so

MARU: Well she’s gonna laugh her ass off when I tell her. She’ll probably offer to fix it.

SHANE: that does nothing to alleviate my current metal scaring

**[PENNY] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

PENNY: Sorry, I was finishing my lesson with Jas and Vincent. What did I miss?

SHANE: DO NOT LET JAS COME HOME

PENNY: I’m sorry?

EMILY: Scroll up.

PENNY: Oh.

PENNY: I’m sorry.

GOKU: tell jas my mom invited her over for dinner

GOKU: she can play with vincent until they’re done

LEAH: You’d think for people their age they’d run out of stamina pretty quickly.

HARVEY: I don’t know, it's not like they’re teenagers anymore.

GAMER QUEEN: “Babe, I swear this has never happened before.”

HARVEY: It’s perfectly okay for healthy adults their age to engage in sexual intercourse.

GOKU: harvey you sound like an old man

EMILY: Oh Shane I have an idea! You should take pictures!

SHANE: excuse me

GAMER QUEEN: #TIMETOKINKSHAME

HALEY: Ewwwww.

HALEY: I’m talking about for using as blackmail

LEAH: Why would we want to blackmail the mayor?

HALEY: 1) He’s the only person here has a truck. We could be finally free of having to wait for the bus when we wanna go to the city.

SEBASTIAN: but I have a motorcycle

HALEY: And I assume you also have sidecars for 5+ people?

SEBASTIAN: ...no

HALEY: See this way we can go on big city outings and have fun!

FARM LIFE: god you're all suck hicks

HALEY: And now you're one of us

PENNY: It would be nice to not have my mother asking me questions during my bus ride.

MARU: Surely she’s not that bad?

PENNY: “Penny, when are you going to get married?”

PENNY: “Penny, don’t waste your life as a school teacher.”

PENNY: “Penny, what do you mean I can’t drink beer right now?”

MARU: She doesn’t actually drink and drive, does she?

PENNY: Her blood alcohol levels at any given point in time is around 0.12 percent.

PENNY: Even if she hasn’t had anything to drink.

HARVEY: Oh, I think I remember studying her case in medical school!

GOKU: wait is penny’s mom famous?

HARVEY: Her liver has been so soaked in alcohol that it produces it, rather than filtering it out of the body.

EMILY: I think I read a FeedBuzz article on her. Her bodies adapted to function like any perfectly sober individual, right?

HARVEY: Correct! She’s even stopped showing signs of intoxication, even after consuming her body’s weight in alcohol.

PENNY: Let’s not ask her about it. Last time she acted like a celebrity and I was making hourly trips to Joja to buy their terrible beer.

PENNY: I had a migraine for a month when all those reporters swarmed our trailer.

HALEY: And that’s my cue to segway back into why we should blackmail the mayor

HALEY: 2) He’s the only person in this town I don’t have any dirt on.

FARM LIFE: How do you not have dirty on them yet? Lewis leaves his ‘lucky shorts’ literally everywhere.

EMILY: I did find them in our back room once.

EMILY: It’s not a pleasant memory.

FARM LIFE: Holy shit, I knew they were voyeuristic, but holy shit.

SHANE: you couldn’t pay me enough to take of photo of my aunt naked

SHANE: but i am willing to pay someone to come and shoot me

SHANE: 500 gold to the first person to do it

GOKU: will the gun be provided?

SHANE: no it will not, but you’re free to provide your own assisted-suicide weapon

SHANE: if you add some creative flare you’re free to take whatever you want from my room

GOKU: sweet, farmer, can i borrow your sword?

FARM LIFE: I don’t trust you to handle my sword properly

FARM LIFE: Like how I don’t trust Haley when she says she’s got dirt on everyone.

LEAH: You don’t have a problem letting Alex handle your sword.

FARM LIFE: okay, you know what

MARU: Holy shit she made a joke.

SEBASTIAN: and a sex joke too

GOKU: clearly we’re a bad influence on you

GAMER QUEEN: Sam, i’ll loan you my sword if you promise to swipe his game collection

GOKU: perfect! Shane i’m on my way over to kill you

SHANE: finally, the sweet release of death

* * *

 HALEY: /whisper [FARM LIFE]

HALEY: <<I can’t have you slandering my good name like that without consequence, you know that right?>>

FARM LIFE: /whisper [HALEY]

FARM LIFE: <<and what good name am I besermiching?>>

HALEY: <<I have a reputation as the guardian of gossip for Pelican Town>>

HALEY: <<My title is “Keeper of Secrets”>>

FARM LIFE: <<What you do is no different from when the moms in town get together to gossip>>

FARM LIFE: <<I seriously doubt you know anyone’s dark secrets>>

HALEY: <<Oh really?>>

HALEY: Hey Sebastian, I think I’ve heard something about your spa ghost actually

FARM LIFE: <<...>>

FARM LIFE: <<what are you doing>>

SEBASTIAN: you have?

HALEY: I read about it a while ago, that a man who was really into sports died there

FARM LIFE: <<...Haley>>

HALEY: Specifically gridball

FARM LIFE: <<HALEY>>

LEAH: You’re not joking, are you?

HALEY: Of course not

HALEY: And it’s apparently two ghosts

FARM LIFE: <<PLEASE STOP IM BEGGING YOU>>>

MARU: Two?

HALEY: They were workout partners and the reason you can only hear them on Sundays is because that’s the day they’d go when they were still alive

FARM LIFE: <<HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS>>>

GOKU: oh shit, how did they die

HALEY: Apparently it was from a weightlifting accident

HALEY: The spotter was too distracted, and the lifter’s grip on the bar slipped and it crushed his windpipe

HALEY: His spotter was so devastated at losing his friend that he took his own life

LEAH: Okay, that sounds fake.

SEBASTIAN: yeah, we would have heard about this

HALEY: Oh no, this was years ago like years before even Lewis was born

HARVEY: Well if they died in Pelican Town I should have the records somewhere in the clinic here.

MARU: Yeah! Checking the validity of Haley’s story will give me something to do here.

HARVEY: Maru please do your job properly.

MARU: Harvey, we have literally no business.

MARU: Haley, what where their names?

HALEY: <<  ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿  >>

FARM LIFE: <<HALEY I’M SORRY>>

HALEY: I don’t recall exactly, but I think one of their names starts with an A

**[FARM LIFE] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

LEAH: Hey guys, why did I just see the farmer running past my house?

HALEY: Excuse me, I’ll be right back

**[HALEY] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

MARU: If we didn’t already know he was going down on Alex, I’d assume he was on his way to a booty call.

LEAH: Ugh, how can you talk about that so casual?

MARU: What, sex?

LEAH: No, men.

GOKU: um, the farmer’s at Haley’s

GOKU: i can see them through my bedroom window

GOKU: i dont think they know i’m here

GAMER QUEEN: give us the #playbyplay!

GOKU: okay well

GOKU: they’re in her room

GAMER QUEEN: the rumor come out: does farmer is straight?

GOKU: he’s on the floor

MARU: I knew Haley was into kiny shit.

GOKU: crying

GAMER QUEEN: #verykinky

GOKU: guys they’re not having sex

GOKU: it looks like the farmers apologizing for something?

PENNY: What for?

GOKU: not sure, but Haley looks like shes enjoying it

GOKU: you know those 80’s anime characters

GOKU: like the one that's the snooty rich girl with the annoying laugh?

GOKU: Haley looks exactly like that

GOKU: minus the twin-drill hairstyle

GAMER QUEEN: leah how much do i have to pay you paint Haley with a twin-drill hairstyle

LEAH: My commision fee entails Shane’s entire video game collection.

GAMER QUEEN: deal

SHANE: you’ll have to kill me first to get them

EMILY: Wasn’t that the plan?

SHANE: I THOUGHT IT WAS BUT SAM HASN'T PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY YET

GOKU: well Haley’s got her foot on his head now and she’s rubbing his face into the ground

SEBASTIAN: what is this, La Kill La?

GOKU: it does look like she’s monologuing

HARVEY: What’s La Kill La?

MARU: Harvey you’re such an old man.

SHANE: i don’t even watch anime and i know what that is

GOKU: well she shooed him away now and she’s on her bed

**[HALEY] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

HALEY: Sorry about that i just had to put some people in their proper places

EMILY: Please don’t hurt the farmer too much.

EMILY: He’s been giving us so much food lately that I haven’t had to spend anything from our food budget in weeks.  

HALEY: If anything he’ll start giving us more food

GOKU: why is the farmer feeding you sandwiches now

HALEY: Wait how did you

GOKU: guys she’s closing the blinds

HALEY: I can’t believe you were invading my privacy like that!

GAMER QUEEN: oh please what’s the worst you two are going to do behind closed doors?

HALEY: A woman can’t have her private moments with close personal friends?

LEAH: We all know you’re not his type.

SEBASTIAN: he’s the last one of us to ever want to eat out

**[FARM LIFE] has entered [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]**

LEAH: So you wanna tell us what that was all about?

FARM LIFE: I have no idea to what you’re referring to

FARM LIFE: btw, i think its time to change the channel name

**[FARM LIFE] changed channel name to [HALEY THE KEEPER OS SECRETS]**

EMILY: Haley what did you do to him?

HALEY: Nothing at all, dear sister

**[ALEX] has entered [HALEY THE KEEPER OF SECRETS]**

ALEX: So this seems to have gained momentum again

MARU: Nice of you to join us Alex.

GOKU: yeah, where were you?

ALEX: Finishing my workout

SEBASTIAN: you missed out on Haley whipping your boyfriend

ALEX: What?

FARM LIFE: /whisper [Alex]

FARM LIFE: <<I’ll explain later>>

FARM LIFE: <<But for now we’re gonna have to stop going to the Spa on Sundays>>

ALEX: What do you mean we have to stop going to the Spa on Sundays?

GAMER QUEEN: (´⊙ω⊙`)！

FARM LIFE: ASDFKDSKAS

GOKU: omg

SEBASTIAN: well i’m never using the hot springs again

EMILY: That’s really not santiatry.

SHANE: you guys are worse than my aunt

FARM LIFE: ALEX USE THE DAMN WHISPER FUNCTION

HALEY: Well there goes that piece of dirt

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanna know the worst part of this is? I actually have another chapter of this half-written and its just as bad.


	3. Gathering of Bisexuals

GAMER QUEEN: @EVERYONE ITS FRIDAY NIGHT

GAMER QUEEN: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!?

MARU: You’re going to leave me alone?

SEBASTIAN: not likely 

GAMER QUEEN: ITS THE PERFECT TIME TO GO CRYPTID HUNTING!!!!

GAMER QUEEN: Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

GOKU: cant we just hang out at the saloon like usual

GAMER QUEEN: no way

GAMER QUEEN: its boring watching sebby destroy your ass

FARM LIFE: #phrasing

GAMER QUEEN: and ive already set every high score on the arcade machines

GAMER QUEEN: i need a new distraction 

LEAH: And getting lost in the dark looking for fake monsters is that distraction?

GAMER QUEEN: no one said anything about getting lost

LEAH: Count me out. 

LEAH: I have a date with a bottle of wine and a book tonight.

GAMER QUEEN: youre such a stereotypical lesbian

LEAH: Excuse you, I’m bisexual.

LEAH: Which means I’m attracted to David Duchovny, Trevante Rhodes, Chris Hemsworth, this guy that was nice to me at the supermarket, and every woman I ever see. But only those men when Venus is in retrograde and the moon is full.

HALEY: Same

GAMER QUEEN: so sebby, sam, and maru are all coming, who else?

MARU: When did I agree to this?

GOKU: why are sebastian and i coming

GAMER QUEEN: sam, as you and sebby are my best friends, you are forced to go along with every one of my ideas

GAMER QUEEN: and maru, isnt it your parents date night tonight?

GAMER QUEEN: do you really wanna be home when they get back

MARU: …

MARU: Yoba damnit. Now I’m gonna think about that every time I hear something in the house move. 

MARU: I fucking hate you.

GAMER QUEEN: ♡＾▽＾♡

EMILY: This sounds very fun!

EMILY: Sadly I have to work until late, so I don’t think I’ll be joining you.

HALEY: I’ll come

HALEY: Don’t have anything better to do

HALEY: @Alex, will you be a dear and accompany me?

FARM LIFE: Hey

HALEY: Oh relax, you’ve had my best friend all week

HALEY: Having you two separated and spending a few hours with your clothes on won’t be the end of the world

GAMER QUEEN: #REAKT

ALEX: Yeah I’ll come. 

ALEX: We’re out of condoms and lube anyways

FARM LIFE: And Harvey refuses to sell us any more

HARVEY: You two literally bought up my entire stock the second I got it in.

FARM LIFE: Where else do you expect me to buy it, JojaMart?

FARM LIFE: I'd sooner eat pickels while watching the Teletubbies and listening to It's A Small World After All at the same time than have Morris know about my sex life. 

GAMER QUEEN: thats a very specific and weird flex but go off I guess

FARM LIFE: Besides, it’s not like any of you are getting anything

HALEY: Rude

EMILY: But true.

HARVEY: I’ll come along.

GOKU: seriously?

SEBASTIAN: you mean abby finally managed to pull you into one of her schemes?

HARVEY: I actually used to be a part of an amature ghost hunting crew. 

HARVEY: I still have some of my old equipment if you want to use it. 

GAMER QUEEN: BOY WOULD I 

FARM LIFE: sounds fun but i have to pass

FARM LIFE: I’ve noticed some of my crops have gone missing overnight for the past few weeks

FARM LIFE: So I asked Lewis if he’d help me patrol the farm tonight

ELLIOT: Maybe Mothman is stealing your crops.

LEAH: Not you too.

ELLIOT: I find the concept of cryptids to be fascinating. 

ELLIOT: I will join you as well.

GAMER QUEEN: excellent!

GAMER QUEEN: so now we’ve got three wet blankets and my cryptid hunting team is eight members strong!

PENNY: I’m going to pass as well. The new Solorian Chronicles book came out yesterday and I’ve been aching to read it.

GAMER QUEEN: i can respect that

GAMER QUEEN: @SHANE you wanna go hunt some cryptids?!

SHANE: sure, i’d love to get dicked down by mothman

GOKU: wat

MARU: what

SHANE: you heard me

FARM LIFE: are you telling me that you’re a monster fucker shane?

SHANE: and are you telling me you don’t take long walks at night to try and seduce horny werewolves?

LEAH: Is that why I see you walking around Cindersap Forest naked sometimes?

LEAH: I thought you were just drunk.

SHANE: i usually was

SHANE: but now i’m on antidepressants so i’m just hopeful

GAMER QUEEN: shane can come

GAMER QUEEN: but keep your pants on please

SHANE: if we run into mothman, all bets are off

ALEX: Apparently his pants too

GAMER QUEEN:  (⊃д⊂)

EMILY: Do you think you could keep us all updated on your hunting tonight?

HALEY: I think it might ruin the experience if we were on our phones all night

MARU: I’m pretty sure this app has a voice-to-text feature. 

MARU [♪]: Yeah it does.

GAMER QUEEN: where the hell did they hide that feature

MARU [♪]: It’s at the very bottom in the settings menu.

GAMER QUEEN [♪]: Got it!

GAMER QUEEN [♪]: Oh gross. This thing gives me proper punctuation. 

GAMER QUEEN [♪]: Hashtag, no thanks.

GAMER QUEEN: alright losers, gather in front of sebby and marus house in thirty minutes

GAMER QUEEN: anyone late will be fed to mothman

SHANE: i volunteer as tribute

FARM LIFE: I’ve learned so many things about you tonight shane

FARM LIFE: things i did not need to know about

HALEY: Excuse you, but this is a non-kink-shaming server farm boy

FARM LIFE: says who? I made this server. 

FARM LIFE: I birthed it myself and you’re just all mooching off of it

HALEY: Have you forgotten who owns this server tho?

**[GAMER QUEEN] changed channel name from [HALEY KEEPER OF SECRETS] to [ABBY’S CRYPTID HUNTING SQUAD]**

GAMER QUEEN: neither of you now

FARM LIFE: When the hell did I give you admin privileges?

GOKU: you didn’t

SEBASTIAN: you got wasted at the saloon last week and abby stole your phone

FARM LIFE: But my phone’s password protected

GAMER QUEEN: ‘Alexsfineass’ is not a very secure password

GAMER QUEEN: btw, you really shouldn’t use the same password for everything

GAMER QUEEN: and thanks for paying for my movie tickets last week

GAMER QUEEN: ( ๑ ❛ ڡ ❛ ๑ )❤

FARM LIFE: …

FARM LIFE: Excuse me i have urgent things to attend to

**[FARM LIFE] has left [ABBY’s CRYPTID HUNTING SQUAD]**

ALEX: Is that why i had to pay for our dinner date last week?

HALEY: sdflkjdsk

LEAH: You did not.

GAMER QUEEN: oh i didnt

GAMER QUEEN: not his money at least

GAMER QUEEN: i just wanted to teach him fear like haley does

HALEY: Hell yeah bitch, work it!

ELLIOT: Alex, I assumed you paid for every meal.

SEBASTIAN: why because he’s the top?

ALEX: Excuse me?

ELLIOT: Well I just assumed the waitress would take one look at you and assume you were the more dominate one.

EMILY: As a waitress, I can confirm. 

EMILY: It’s my Yoba give duty to assign top and bottom to same-sex pairs that come into the Saloon. 

ALEX: Well, I guess they usually do put the receipt down in front of me. 

ALEX: But The Farmer always insists on paying.

ALEX: He’s a bottom that likes to think he’s a top, but then ends up bottoming like 90% of the time.

SHANE: wait

SHANE: you mean to tell me that Mr. Macho, gridball for brains, and oozing what can almost be called toxic masculinity…

SHANE: takes it through the backdoor sometimes?

ALEX: Why not? I love him and it feels good.

GOKU: well yeah, that’s because yoba put our g-spot like four inches up our ass

HARVEY: You’re the last person I’d expect to know about that.

HARVEY: Where’d you even learn about that?

GOKU: penny taught me

HALEY: lkasjdflkasjd

LEAH: ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

MARU: ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

SEBASTIAN: ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

GAMER QUEEN: #PHRASING

PENNY: Sam…

GOKU: I MEAN SHE GAVE ME A BOOK WHEN I ASKED HER QUESTIONS

GAMER QUEEN: sure yah did

GAMER QUEEN: we’ll just pretend we dont believe that pennys pegging you on the weekends

HARVEY: You know the clinic's doors are always open 

SEBASTIAN: so are sams legs

GAMER QUEEN: (≧∀≦ゞ

GOKU: i know, it was just kinda awkward talking to another guy about it…

GOKU: fuck it

GOKU: i’m bi

GOKU: there, i said it

GAMER QUEEN: oh, sweet innocent summer child

GAMER QUEEN: thank you for sharing that with us

GAMER QUEEN: but...

HALEY: i can finally use this

HALEY: upload image: welcometotheclubsam.jpeg

GOKU: what

SEBASTIAN: i mean, it was kinda obvious

LEAH: Yeah, like even more obvious than all those posters Alex has in his locker of naked men.

ALEX: Hey, those are bodybuilding references.

ALEX: That I just so happen to take out of a tasteful porno mag.

ELLIOT: Besides, who out there isn’t at least a little bi?

MARU: Isn’t everyone in this chat bi?

GAMER QUEEN: hooooooooly shit

GAMER QUEEN: youre right

**[GAMER QUEEN] changed channel name from [ABBY'S CRYPTID HUNTING SQUAD] to [ABBY’S CRYPTID HUNTING SQUAD OF BISEXUALS]**

GAMER QUEEN: alright you useless bisexuals

GAMER QUEEN: lets get out there and hunt us some mothman

SHANE: or get fucked by mothman

LEAH: Please for the love of Yoba keep your pants on tonight. 

LEAH: I’ve seen your pale ass too many times already.

SHANE: no promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeyyyyy, long time no update. It's a short chapter, but I got hit with inspiration and wrote this a few days ago at work after i finished the next chapter for sleepless nights. And since this is a chatfic and doesn't really need a beta reader, I figured I'd just upload it really quick. Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> So fun fact, this isn't the chapter I had mentioned having already been half written in the notes last time. So, there's that an the actual upcoming cryptid hunting adventure to look forward to!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I don't have too many plans to progress this beyond another chapter or two, at this point. If you read my tags, this was a kinds self-therapy since my other Stardew fic is a little on the angsty side right now and I wanted to write something funny for nanowrimo (and because I haven't updated my fic in over a month).


End file.
